Disappointment

I’m back! Sorry I disappeared for the last month. I’ve been recovering from shoulder surgery, and it was super difficult to type with one hand. My mom came into town for the first few days to help Sean take care of me, but for the past three weeks, it’s just been me, Sean, and the pups. Oh yeah… and my physical therapist who I have to see quite frequently so he can try to rip my arm off. At least that’s how it feels sometimes. Anyway…

The past month has been extremely difficult. For many reasons. Figuring out how to do life with one arm is tough. Like, I know my other arm is still there, but I can’t use it fully. Ugh! It’s been so frustrating! Sean had to wash my hair and still has to put it up for me (which seriously tests my patience because I really like to be in control of my hair). He had to help me get ready in the morning. He still has to make my bed for me on the couch at night because I can’t sleep in a bed quite yet without hurting. But as hard as this has been, I’ve discovered how incredibly amazing my husband is. I mean, I already knew that when I married him, but he just continues to get more and more amazing. He has truly taken care of me and loved me so deeply through this healing process. And this healing process is still another two months! Help me!!!!! But for real though. Sean is the most amazing human on planet earth. And I love him with everything.

Also in the past month, I made the decision that it was time to move on from coaching. I knew this day would come, but honestly I didn’t think it would be this soon. Sometimes things happen that are out of your control and you have to make the best decision for yourself.

This decision wasn’t easy. It was actually heartbreaking. I absolutely adore the girls I coached for the past year and a half. And it’ll be tough to not see them everyday. But after lots and lots of conversations with Sean, we decided it was time for me to pursue the other desires I’ve had in my heart for a while now. More about that later.

I say all that to say that disappointment has been like a shadow on my life lately and it just won’t seem to go away. My hope is getting tired and weary. My heart is struggling to make sense of it all. Even in the Message Version of the Bible it says, “Unrelenting disappointment leaves you heartsick…” (Proverbs 13:12). And I feel like that is the perfect description of me right now. Heartsick. The second part of Proverbs 13:12 sounds a lot better: “…but a sudden good break can turn life around.”

But… God! Where’s that good break! I need it! I need it like water in a desert! I mean, come on now. In one month, I’ve had surgery AND now I don’t have a job. I feel like I’m falling apart. Not to mention I haven’t even been able to try to find something else to do because I’ve been in a dumb sling. And I’m still recovering. For what seems like forever.

Even in all this pain (physical and emotional), somehow I still feel a glimmer of hope. I certainly don’t know all the answers. But one thing I am certain of is this: God, my Father, will take care of me. He’s not surprised by any of this. It hasn’t thrown Him for a loop like it has me.

How do I know this? Because He has always taken care of me. Even in my darkest moments. Even when I’ve felt like He wasn’t there. Like He had forgotten about me. He always has a plan and a purpose. Do I believe that He’s the one who has caused all this pain? Absolutely not. But I do know there is purpose in the pain. But what does that mean, exactly?

In the Bible in Romans 8:28, it says, “And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God…”

I love God. I really do. And my goodness am I thankful that He causes everything to work together for my good. Because He loves me. So even though I’m not quite sure what this next season of life has in store for me, I know He does. I know He has a plan.

Honestly, this post doesn’t have a whole lot to do with gymnastics. But I think it very much can be applied to gymnasts. How many times in your gymnastics career have you been disappointed? Maybe it’s something you did. Maybe it was a mistake. Maybe it was something completely out of your control.

I feel like disappointment is part of any sport that strives for perfection. Because when we start to put the standard of perfection on ourselves, we get disappointed. Everytime. Because we as people just aren’t perfect. But I’m here to tell you today that if you’re facing disappointment right now like I am, whether it’s in gymnastics, school, or maybe just life in general, there is hope. I’m waiting for it too. But I can tell you it’s coming.

Some of you might be reading this and going, “Um… how do you trust in something you can’t see? How do you know that God is real? And if He is real, how do you know He has good plans and not bad plans for you?” First of all, I know because the Bible tells me so. And I believe the Bible. Second of all, I know Him. Have I seen him? No. But I’ve felt Him. I’ve felt Him in ways that bring more comfort than any human or thing could ever bring.

If you don’t believe me, let me give you a challenge. This might sound weird, but do it anyway. When you’re by yourself, maybe in your room, maybe in the shower, I want you to talk to God. Talk to Him as if you would talk to a friend. Ask Him to reveal Himself to you. Ask Him to show you His love. Ask Him to bring you His comfort. And He’ll show up. I can’t explain it. I can’t tell you exactly what it’ll be like. But He’ll show up. Trust me.

My prayer for you is that you will experience love, peace, and comfort like you’ve never experienced before. God is there with you. Even in your disappointment. You just have to be willing to let Him into your life. He’s a perfect gentleman. He won’t barge in. But if you ask, He’ll be there in a moment. Because He loves you, too.