What Defines You?

My insecurities never fully go away. Sometimes they dull. And sometimes they rage. And they’ve been raging the past couple of days. I think, for me, what it boils down to, is the question, “Am I enough?” And that question always has a fill in the blank.

“Am I good enough?”

“Am I smart enough?”

“Am I pretty enough?”

“Am I doing enough?”

“Am I strong enough?”

I’ve trained myself to believe that those questions are answered by other people. By their opinion of me. By their impression of me. By their perception of me.

So of course I always feel this perpetual need to measure up. But why do these things matter so much? Why do I let them control me? Why do I let them defeat me?

This isn’t anything new. Everyone wants to be enough. But the problem is, we want to be enough for everyone. And that becomes maddening.

I love that Jesus never cared about what people thought of him. There were people who loved him, and there were people who despised him. But he never let that define who he was on this earth. He knew who he was, and he was confident in who he was. And because of that, no other opinion mattered. He focused on what his Father thought of him. And if God the Father was pleased, so was he.

Because he chose to focus on one opinion instead of thousands, he walked in peace. He lived fulfilled. He knew his worth.

This doesn’t mean we get a free pass to do whatever we want and not be concerned with the impact it might have on others. Jesus was very intentional with others. He loved them. He healed them. He ate with them. He went to weddings with them. He invested in them. He died for them. For US. His mission was and is people. But he never let people determine his worth. He knew there was only one who could do that.

Today I took a step back and looked at my own life. I’ve started realizing that I’ve been focusing on the wrong opinion. Once again, nothing new here. But I every once in a while, I think we have to take a moment to reset and think about where our energy and focus truly is. And when you realize you’ve been giving more weight to people’s views of you than God’s view of you, it’s a wake up call.

I’m a lot of things on this earth. I’m a wife. I’m a daughter. I’m a sister. I’m a friend. I’m a dog mom. I’m a Pilates instructor. And there’s nothing wrong with any of those things. But the minute I start letting any one of those things become my identity, or start allowing people to define me by these things, I’ve started to lose the battle of insecurity. Of course, I want to be an excellent wife, daughter, sister, friend, dog mom, and Pilates instructor. But if I fail or succeed in any of those areas, it doesn’t define me or become my identity.

So who am I? Who does God say I am?

I am loved.

I am redeemed.

I am worthy.

I am wonderfully made.

I am known.

I am His daughter.

I am enough.

And I can simply be. Because being his daughter is enough.

An Unwelcome Visitor

Anxiety is hard.

Anxiety doesn’t ring the doorbell. It lets itself in and makes itself comfortable before you even realize it’s there. It starts talking, and it won’t stop. It sees all the glasses you’ve worked so hard to see as half full, and it shatters them. It rummages through each and every room of your heart, looking for the most vulnerable thing it can find. And it takes that thing and puts it on display. It shines a spotlight on it. And it becomes the only thing you can focus on. But you’ve done this before. You’ve examined this thing top to bottom, front to back, outside to inside. You’ve dissected it. You’ve taken it apart and put it back together. Yet, it still hits the same nerve. Causes the same fear. Lights up the same insecurity. Over. And over. And over again.

I’ll be honest. My anxiety has been extremely high lately. And it feels a lot like this. But although anxiety feels like a vicious cycle, I’m so thankful for Jesus in the midst of it. He makes himself known in the most beautiful ways.

When he steps in, he puts everything back in its place. He says, “Be still,” and silences the voice that won’t stop. He restores and refills my broken glasses. He takes my vulnerabilities off display. He speaks life into them. He heals them. He reminds me that those things don’t define me. He puts me back together again.

And although that unwelcome visitor inevitably returns, I get stronger and stronger each time. The damage minimizes. And Jesus is always there to wrap me in his arms and remind me that I belong to him, not anxiety. He never tires of taking my broken pieces and making them beautiful. And I’m so thankful.

Let’s Take a Look Inside…

As I was watching church today, our pastor reminded us of this passage:

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7 

Thinking about these two verses lit a fire inside of me. It led me to start writing. And here are my thoughts. 

I’m saddened by the response of many evangelicals to this election. I’m discouraged that the very people who claim to stand for Christian values have responded and exhibited anything but Christian values. I’ve seen so much hate. So much judgement. So many accusations. So much disrespect. And to be completely blunt, it’s not okay. 

Why, especially as Christians, should our response be anything other than love? Aren’t we supposed to be representing Jesus? Aren’t we supposed to be drawing people to HIM, not a presidential candidate? I think there’s been too much judgement of others and the outside world and not enough inward reflection of the state of our own hearts.

Jesus talks about this in Matthew:

“…first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.” Matthew 7:5 

How can we condemn the hate and evil of someone else when, in reality, we’re acting the same way? That’s hypocrisy. And I think it’s time we ask, “Why is my response hate? Why am I responding by attacking anyone who believes differently than me? What needs to change inside of ME?”

Back to Philippians…

I think it’s easy to read that verse and say, “Oh! I’ll give all my requests to God, he’ll answer them, and then I won’t be anxious. But I don’t think that’s what Paul is talking about. 

Let’s make it relevant: I believe if our request is for __________ to be president, then we have a narrow minded prayer. That’s implying that our our peace is the direct result of the answer to a specific prayer. It becomes an ultimatum. 

I personally believe, especially as Christians, we should be praying a much different prayer. I think we’re requesting the wrong things. 

I don’t think our request should be for a specific person to be president. That shouldn’t dictate our peace. That shouldn’t dictate whether or not we have anxiety. The minute we allow circumstances to dictate our peace, we’re done. I think we need to realign our hearts with the heart of God. I think our request should be, “God, I ask for peace and contentment REGARDLESS of the outcome.” I think we should be asking Jesus to teach us how to not be rocked by the things of the world. We should be asking him to teach us to find our hope and peace in HIM. Not in a person. Not in a president. Not in an outcome. Not in situation. In HIM. And him alone. 

When we start relating our peace to the results of an election, we’ve missed the heart of God. 

I’m going to say something that some might disagree with, and I’m okay with that:

I think God is much more concerned with the inward state of our hearts than he is with who is president of the United States. 

He wants PEOPLE. He wants US. He wants YOU. He wants YOUR HEART. And I hope you know that God is much bigger than the president of the United States. Who is elected doesn’t change who he is. It doesn’t change the fact that he is God. That he is powerful. That he is in control. 

My heart is broken. Not because of who is president. God can use anyone and anything. That doesn’t scare me at all. What scares me is the representation Christians and evangelicals have presented though this process. I want people to see and be drawn to JESUS in Christ followers, myself included. I want to be known as someone who loves and serves Jesus, regardless of who runs our country. I want people to know they are LOVED. It breaks my heart to think that someone on the outside looking in might be turned away because of our judgement and hatred. 

When Jesus was on this earth, he sought out those who were broken. He spent time with sinners. He loved those who lived lives in opposition of his values. And you know what drew every single one of those people to him? Not his judgement. Not his hatred. Not his holier than thou attitude (even though he was because he was Jesus). It was his LOVE and ACCEPTANCE of them. With no strings attached. 

And that’s my prayer. To radiate love. To be filled with peace regardless of my circumstances. I want JESUS to dictate who I am and how I respond and react. I want Jesus to use me to draw people to HIM. My opinions and values won’t change someone’s mind. But you know who changes hearts and lives? Jesus. And I want to be more like him. 

Fully Convinced

“In hope [Abraham] believed against hope, that he should become the father of many nations, as he had been told, “So shall your offspring be.” He did not weaken in faith when he considered his own body, which was as good as dead (since he was about a hundred years old), or when he considered the barrenness of Sarah’s womb. No unbelief made him waver concerning the promise of God, but he grew strong in his faith as he gave glory to God, fully convinced that God was able to do what he had promised.” Romans 4:18-21

I was reading this passage yesterday, and it struck something deep within me. I thought about Abraham’s situation: Old. Old wife. No children. And a promise. A seemingly impossible promise.

I think about times people have promised me things. And whether I believe that they will follow through on that promise is based on one of two things:  

  1. How easy the promise is to fulfill.
  2. How trustworthy the person is making the promise.

If someone promises to do something easy or something that doesn’t require much effort on their part, it’s more likely you can believe in their promise. But if the person who makes the promise is trustworthy, it doesn’t matter how big or small the promise is. You can believe in their promise because of who they are, not what they’re promising. 

Abraham’s faith in the promise he received was based on who promised it. It didn’t matter that it seemed improbable, or even impossible. He didn’t dwell on the circumstances surrounding the promise. He believed in the promise because God was the one who made it. 

“No unbelief made him waver concerning the promise of God, but he grew strong in his faith as he gave glory to God, fully convinced that God was able to do what he had promised.”

Abraham was fully convinced that God was able to do what he had promised. This is what hit me deep in my soul. As I read this, I thought about my own life. How often am I fully convinced that God will follow through on his promises to me? 

Isaiah 41:10

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” 

Deuteronomy 31:8

The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”

Psalm 32:8

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my loving eye on you.”

Psalm 37:23-24

“The Lord makes firm the steps of the one who delights in him; though he may stumble, he will not fall, for the Lord upholds him with his hand.”

Matthew 11:28-29

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.”

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”

(All emphasis added by me)

This is just scratching the surface of the promises God has made. But do I really believe them? Am I fully convinced they are true? Do I look at my circumstances first, and then decide if they are really worth believing based on that circumstance? 

Thinking through these questions challenged and humbled me. These questions brought awareness to the fact that too often, I only believe in the promise if it’s an easy promise to fulfill based on the situation. How backwards that is! God’s promises aren’t based on my circumstances or situation. They are based on who he is! It’s not about me. It’s about him. What I’m facing doesn’t ever change who he is. It doesn’t change his promises, either. 

God didn’t change his promise for Abraham just because he and his wife were old and beyond child birthing years. His promise remained regardless of the circumstance. 

I once again think about Abraham in this situation. He not only believed God’s promise, but he needed God for the promise to be fulfilled. This wasn’t the type of promise anyone could fulfill. It fully required God coming through for him. And Abraham knew who his God was.

“No unbelief made him waver concerning the promise of God, but he grew strong in his faith as he gave glory to God, fully convinced that God was able to do what he had promised.”

When God is the only answer, it causes our faith to grow and mature. It draws us closer to him by removing all sense of self-reliance and pride. God gets the glory, because we know without him, there is no hope. But because we are fully convinced of who our God is, we can and do have hope. 

Often times when a situation requires an intervention of God, it feels like a scary place. It feels like a valley. Sometimes it feels like a valley during a flood. You feel vulnerable and helpless. But what a beautiful place to be. The minute I think I’ve got it together without him is the most dangerous place I could be. I want to need him. I need to need him. 

I don’t want to be someone who doubts because I’m looking at the reality of my circumstances. I want to be someone who has faith because I’m fully convinced of who my God is, regardless of the circumstance.

2020 Thoughts

Let me preface this by saying this is not a political post. I won’t share my political stance over social media. If you are truly interested in my political stance, message me personally. These are strictly my personal thoughts on the state of our country. 

Today I saw the political slogan, as I have so many times, “Keep America Great.” But today it hit me differently.

When I look at the state of our country, I don’t see greatness. I see pain. I see heartache. I see pride. I see citizens attacking each other, physically and verbally (and virtually). I see the greatest division our country has seen since the Civil War. 

I want to bring a challenging thought to the table: What if we’re putting too much stock in a person? In a political party? In a policy? A political candidate cannot and will not “fix” our country. Can they initiate change? Absolutely. But they are not the end all be all. No human will be the perfect leader. Ever. Because they’re just that. Human. Regardless of political party. 

I don’t ever want to be controlled by a political candidate or party. Do I have my personal stances, beliefs, and morals? Of course. But do I expect a single human to embody all of those things perfectly? Absolutely not. It’s not possible.

Let’s state a fact here: there will always be disagreement over politics. There will always be Republicans. There will always be Democrats. There will always be those who fall somewhere in the middle. But let me be clear: the party you choose to vote for does not and never will define you. 

I saw a quote the other day that said something to the effect of “I’m less concerned about who you vote for and more concerned about how you treat others who vote differently than you.” Forgive me if I misquoted. But the point stands. 

Is voting for who you align most with important? Absolutely. But does that also give us the right to tear into someone who may vote differently? No. Never. 

This country was built on freedom. And that means each citizen has the right and freedom to vote how they see fit. I’m all for healthy discussions and debates. But I am NOT for arguments with no other agenda than to just spit out personal opinions while degrading someone else in the process. I think we can do better as individuals and also as a country. 

I share this because this is something that has been weighing heavily on my heart, not just in regard to politics, but also in regard to everything that’s happened this year in this country. I keep coming back to this one question: “What would Jesus do?” And I don’t say that in the cheesy WWJD Bible school sense of the phrase. I want to know, if Jesus was here in physical form again on this planet in 2020, how would he respond?

I may not be able to answer that specific question, but I can look in the Bible to see how he responded in situations he encountered during his lifetime. And I believe it can be summed up in this: Jesus responded in love, passion, compassion, and by always putting other’s interests above his own. He spoke what he believed, but it was always from a place of love. That’s not to say Jesus didn’t say some hard-to-swallow things. But the way in which he did it is beautiful to me.

I think of the woman at the well. He met her and immediately told her all the sins she had committed. What a way to start a conversation. So why did he do that? To encourage her to turn away from those things. So he could show her he loved her anyway

Jesus had purpose in everything he said. He spoke with intention. And I think that’s the ultimate difference. How often do we speak without purpose? How often do we speak and the intention is actually harm? It convicts me just thinking about it. 

I say everything in this post with purpose and intention. I say this as a reminder and as a conviction, for myself as well, to remember that this election is not the end all be all. That’s not to say it’s not important. It is. But don’t let it consume you. Don’t let it steal your joy. Don’t let it push you to say things you’ll later regret. Don’t let it destroy relationships. Don’t let your political stance define you. 

Our hope should not and cannot be in a political candidate. They will disappoint us every time. There is only one perfect leader. His name is Jesus. And he will always be in control. No matter who sits in office. 

The Sun Breaks Through

I feel the sunshine touch my skin as it warms me ever so gently. This cloudless day reminds me that the sun always breaks through. Even when the clouds act as a blanket covering the sky, the sun is still there, hiding behind the darkness, ready to show itself. 

It reminds me that even in the darkest days, the sun doesn’t run from the darkness. It holds its place firmly. Never wavering. Never thrown off by the clouds. The sun doesn’t feel overpowered or overwhelmed. It’s not surprised by the rain. 

But when the sun does get its moment to break through, it comes through with force. It stakes its claim in the sky. It reminds the clouds that, unlike them, it’s here to stay. The sun doesn’t come and go like the rain. Although the rain and the thunder take over at times, they’re temporary. 

The sun, however, always endures. It’s not frightened by the temporary roar of the thunder. The rain and the thunder, although strong and powerful, will never threaten the sun. They can’t overpower it’s flame. It’s constant. And it burns with a brightness that can never be extinguished. No matter how dark the storm. 

Although the darkness of life seems to be overwhelming at times, Jesus is still there, shining ever so brightly. Staking his claim. Ready to break through with force. The storm may be strong and powerful, but it’s temporary. It can’t stake its claim. 

But Jesus is constant. He doesn’t run from the darkness. He holds his place firmly. Never wavering. Never thrown off. He’s never overpowered or overwhelmed. He’s not surprised by the rain. 

Finding Contentment

I’ve been thinking a lot about contentment lately. What is it contentment? And what does it mean to be truly content? 

Life today feels like the polar opposite of contentment. There’s a lot of chaos in the world at the moment. But my personal life also feels chaotic. For the past few years, outside circumstances in my life have created a kind of chaos I never imagined I would experience – much less experience before turning 27. From the depths of my soul, I have asked the Lord, “When will I catch a break? Will it always feel like this?” 

A lot of days, I find myself wallowing in the things I have no control over. The exhaustion of fighting these battles hits me hard, and in those moments, it feels like there’s no possible way I can keep going. 

I think it’s easy to think of contentment as outside circumstances lining up. As the end of a battle. As something that comes naturally, because, hey! Life finally settled down! Now you can be content! But if we’re really honest with ourselves, life doesn’t settle down. The battle did end, but look! There’s a new one! And outside circumstances rarely line up. 

So back to my first question… What is contentment? And what does it mean to be truly content?

I’m immediately reminded of Paul in Philippians 4:11b-14. He talks about contentment and what it looks like. What it looks like to be lived out

“…For I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.”

I’ve heard this passage a thousand times. But no matter how may times I’ve heard it, it brings a new kind of conviction when I think of my own contentment. How often do I complain? How often do I wallow in self pity? How often do I blame my outside circumstances for my actions or reactions? How often am I truly content?

But this is true: “I can do all this through him who gives me strength.” 

ALL things. Not some. ALL. There’s no “but” or “if.” ALL things. 

This brings me to the question, “How?” How was Paul so confident? How did he endure? How did he not only speak these words, but embody them? 

Faith. He believed what Jesus said was true

Yikes. Talk about conviction. So often in my life, I’m reminded of Mark 9:23-24 when a man asks Jesus to heal his son: 

“‘If you can’?” said Jesus. “Everything is possible for one who believes.” Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”

I relate so much to this dad. How often I want to say I believe, but my heart says something different. But if you know the end of the story, you know Jesus healed the boy anyway. Sometimes I think we have to be brave enough, humble enough, to admit, “God I don’t believe! But I want to! Help my unbelief! 

This takes me back to contentment. How may times am I stressed, scared, worried, discontented, because I’m choosing to trust in myself instead of Jesus? How many times have I thought to myself, “I have to figure this out before I can be content,” instead of giving it to Jesus? Even in my doubt, even in my fear, even in my unbelief, the step alone to give it to Jesus is something extraordinary. Even if I come crawling on my hands and knees saying, “Jesus! Help my unbelief!” He’s still there to pull me close. To say, “I’ve got you.” To remind me that coming to him is the beginning of faith.

 I think back to that dad in Mark 9. He took a bold step just by bringing his son to Jesus. Sometimes all it takes is a step. And Jesus meets us right where we are. Even in our unbelief. 

I don’t know much, but I do know the first step in finding contentment in taking a step toward Jesus. Contentment is a choice. It’s choosing to take a step, to fight for faith, and trust Jesus to take the rest. Contentment doesn’t come from perfect circumstances. It doesn’t come from life settling down. It comes from ONE place, and one place only. That place is Jesus. And Jesus meets us right in the middle of the battle.

I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not great at this. Most of the time I dwell on how I can find the answers to the chaos in my life. But what I desire more than anything else is to come to a place, before the chaos takes over my my mind and my life, where I can say, “Jesus, I can’t figure this out. No matter how hard I try. I don’t have the answers, and I never will. But you do. You still calm storms. You still are peace even in the midst of the storm. I don’t have to have answers to find peace. I don’t have to figure it all out to be content. You are my peace. And because you are in control, I can be content.

Jesus is enough. He is all you need. He’s all I need, too. 

Performing For Love

My mom enrolled me in gymnastics at eighteen months old, and we took “Mommy and Me” classes. From that point on, there was no turning back. Gymnastics was my life. It consumed my every breath. I started homeschooling in the fourth grade so that I could devote more of my life to training. 

I also loved Jesus. I received Jesus into my heart at an early age and desired to follow Him and serve him and glorify him through the sport of gymnastics. I had dreams to stand on the Olympic podium one day with a gold medal around my neck and give all the glory to him. But although I loved Jesus with everything, I learned to “earn” love instead of just receiving the love that had already been given to me. 

I was always told to not let gymnastics become my identity, but there were definitely times it did indeed define who I was as a person. I remember thinking at one point, “ I don’t know what I would do if I wasn’t a gymnast.” My purpose, in my teenage mind, was being a gymnast for the glory of God. I thought that if I always performed to the best of my ability, the Lord would be proud of me. I never grasped that my real purpose in life was simply to love and be loved. 

I don’t think I was ever directly told, “The Lord loves you because you’re an incredible gymnast,” but I don’t think I was ever told, “Hey, even if you didn’t do gymnastics, even if you didn’t do anything, the Lord will still love you just as much.” My life was a performance. If you did well, you got recognized. You won first place. You qualified to Nationals. And if I worked my tail off and made it to the top, all the glory went to God. If I worked my tail off and didn’t make it, I knew the Lord was still proud of me for doing my best for his glory. 

Inherently, there’s nothing wrong with that view. You work hard; God gets all the glory. The Bible even says in 1 Corinthians 10:31, “…Whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.” But in “doing everything for the glory of God,” I missed the foundational truth that I wasn’t loved for “doing.” I was loved for simply “being.” 

Perfection is the goal of gymnastics. You’re always striving for that unrealistic goal of getting a perfect score. As a gymnast, you eventually come to the conclusion that getting a 10.0 on everything is just not possible. But that doesn’t mean you won’t try your hardest to get as close as possible. Your sport, and your life if you train thirty hours a week like I did, become about striving for perfection. Day in and day out. Over and over and over again. Tears, frustration, and pain are what drive you. And then every once in a while, your hard work pays off. You get that skill. You win that competition. You’re overcome with joy! But then, it starts all over again the next day. A new skill, a new competition, a new goal to strive for. Naturally, you begin to learn that you earn by striving. You receive by doing something. And eventually, that became the story of my life.

Because of the very nature of the sport to which I dedicated my life, I never saw anything wrong with striving for perfection. I even let it bleed over into other aspects of my life and labeled it “excellence.” I remember crying during my schoolwork so many times because I didn’t fully understand the math concept I had just learned three minutes earlier. I gave myself no grace or room to fail. But that was okay because I was “doing everything for the glory of God.”

When your life goal becomes perfection, pride and arrogance begin to take root. You take pride in the things you’ve done or accomplished, and those “things” begin to define you. Then, when you feel as if you’ve failed or done nothing noteworthy, you label yourself as not good enough. You label yourself as a failure. And as this pattern continues, pride takes over. Piece by piece.

I noticed this pattern in my life when I became an adult. Every time I made a mistake, I felt like a mess. I felt unworthy. I felt as if I had some serious cleaning up to do. The perfection I had strived for in gymnastics wasn’t just because I was a gymnast. Perfection had become my goal, my aim in life. And if I didn’t hit the bull’s-eye, then I had failed. I had essentially started “scoring” all the areas of my life. My relationships: 9.3. My dating relationship: 8.7. My job and my work: 9.5. My love for God: 9.2. Showing God that I love Him: 8.5.

I looked at these areas of my life and if they weren’t close to a 10.0, then I could do better. I projected this idea of scoring onto the Lord, and if the Lord thought I could do better, then that meant I wasn’t doing well enough. That meant, in my mind, that I wasn’t good enough. And I started to wonder if I ever would be. I started thinking that I had to do something to improve my scores. What could I do for the Lord so he would raise my scores and see me as “enough” again?

It’s so easy to get caught up in a life of performance. I certainly did. Maybe it was how you were raised. Maybe an A on a test isn’t good enough, and if it isn’t an A+, you get a lecture, or worse. Maybe if you don’t win first place in a sport, you feel worthless. Maybe a parent or coach even told you that you were. 

One of the biggest struggles of my life has been trying to understand how God isn’t like that. People told me, “Your Father doesn’t operate like that. He loves you for you. You don’t have to do anything to earn his love. In fact, you can’t earn it. And you don’t have to perform for him to show him that you love him.” But it made no sense to me. I had so many questions. “How do I love God then? How does he know that I love him? Why does he love me? I’m certainly not worth it. Have you seen me? Have you seen the mess I’ve made? Why would he love me?”

The words “I don’t understand” came out of my mouth so many times. Proverbs 3:5 had never been so real: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding…” “What? Don’t lean on my own understanding? Then how do I understand?!” As confusing as it was, there was a certain peace in knowing that I didn’t have to understand. But there was so much fear attached to that word trust. I had been relying on myself and trusting myself and my knowledge for so long that I didn’t even know where to begin with just trusting. Trusting the Lord, trusting in His character, trusting in His love, trusting the people around me that the Lord had placed in my life. 

It seemed so much safer to just trust myself. Fear came crashing in full force. I spent several years of my life absolutely terrified. “What if I trust and then end up making the wrong decision? What if I make a mistake and the Lord is disappointed in me?” But that’s what trust is. Trusting by understanding and knowing isn’t trusting. I have to trust that the Lord loves me. No matter what. And it’s not based on doing. It’s based simply on being his daughter. I have to trust that the Lord has strategically placed people in my life to speak the truth over me. If they’re all saying the same thing and I’m stuck over here in my head thinking that I’m right and they’re all wrong, then I’m just being plain prideful. 

I’m learning that trusting is an integral part of life. Its not just part of some worship songs. It’s not some nice little phrase we say. It’s peace that we’ve wrapped in fear. It’s so simple. But simple doesn’t mean easy. Trusting isn’t about understanding first. Trust comes first, then the understanding. The Lord is faithful. He’s been faithful to my heart. He will continue to be. And He’ll be faithful to yours too. Because he loves you for YOU. Not for your performance.

One Step at a Time.

Freedom isn’t a destination. It’s a journey.

I decided to embark on this journey in 2015. I was riddled with anxiety. Most days you could find me curled up on the floor of my apartment bawling my eyes out. I was scared of EVERYTHING. Scared of making the wrong decision. Scared of disappointing the Lord. Scared of what I was putting the people closest to me though because of my crippling anxiety.

I came to a place where I was desperate. And I reluctantly agreed to go to counseling. But little did I know that taking that first step would take me on the most challenging, yet most beautiful journey with Jesus.

I remember being at work in October of 2015. That ever so present crippling fear washed over me. I picked up my phone to call a counselor that a mentor had recommended. I really didn’t want to. But I didn’t know where else to turn. I left a message. Got a call back. Set up my first appointment. One step.

I showed up to that first appointment extremely nervous. I didn’t really know what to expect. But I walked through the doors every week for several months. One step.

After a while, I felt stuck. I felt like every time I went, I was struggling with the same thing. I felt like I had hit a wall. I felt like my counselor was getting frustrated with me. She recommended we do a joint counseling session with one of the other counselors in the same practice because of her experience with situations similar to mine. I agreed, and we set the appointment out a couple of weeks.

I talked to Sean about what I was feeling. How I felt stuck. How I felt like I hit a wall. How I felt like I was frustrating my counselor. He asked me if I wanted to switch to someone else. “No! I can’t go through all this with someone else! I don’t want to start over!”

I showed up to that appointment a couple of weeks later. My counselor had filled her friend in on a bit of my situation. We talked for a while, and at the end, my counselor said she thought I should continue seeing her friend. All of a sudden I remembered Sean’s words. God took care of it! God was taking care of ME! He had ordained that appointment before I had even had that conversation with Sean about my counseling frustrations. And I didn’t even have to start over. I was able to continue my journey to freedom without starting back at square one. Jesus knew what I needed before I even knew. He has a way of doing that.

I loved my new counselor! I had never felt so heard, understood, and validated. She listened, she prayed, she hugged me as I cried. For the first time I felt like someone truly understood what I was going through. She walked me through my life from the beginning and helped me understand where all this fear and anxiety came from. And just understanding felt like a breath of fresh air. I realized I wasn’t crazy. There was a reason behind it all. It was another step.

There were times I felt like I took steps backwards. There were also times I felt like I ran backwards several miles. But she continued to encourage me that I would look back one day and see the progress. I, of course, didn’t believe her. I still felt miserable! Anxiety still clung to me like a garment. It would chew me up and spit me out. Progress? What progress? I was still in the tunnel and it was still dark. No light. No hope. At least that’s what it felt like. But I still showed up. I kept searching. I kept asking questions. I kept seeking freedom, even though it felt like it would never be within reach. Another step.

Then one day, in 2018, I showed up again. And as we talked, she began to tell me how she felt like I didn’t need to see her anymore. Of course, I could come in when needed, but she felt like I had learned to take control of the anxiety. I suddenly remembered her words telling me I would one day look back and see the progress. The day I never thought would come actually came. I remember sitting in her office, looking back on the last three years, and for the first time seeing how far I had come. I finally saw light. I felt hope. I got a glimpse of that freedom I had been chasing for so long. And it was beautiful. I took another step.

Fast forward to today. Do I still struggle with anxiety? Absolutely. Does it leave me on the floor in the fetal position on a daily basis? Not at all. It’s much sneakier now. Instead of throwing me to the floor in fear, it says things like, “Did you say the wrong thing? What if you offended her? What if you were inconsiderate? What if you’re not good enough? What if you failed?” I’ll be honest. Most of the time I go down those rabbit trails and end up in a place of questioning everything about myself. I certainly spend some time overthinking those things. But it doesn’t take me out for days, weeks, or months anymore. I can now, almost without any effort of my own, slowly emerge out of the anxiety. And it’s all because of that one phone call, that one step, back in 2015.

Tasting that freedom, even if it’s just a drop, helps me keep going. It pushes me to keep pursuing complete and total freedom in Jesus. I won’t settle for anything less. Jesus paid a high price for my freedom. It’s already mine. I just have to continue learning how to walk in it.

Through this journey that I’ve been on and am STILL on, I’ve learned about the gentleness of Jesus. He doesn’t ever criticize. He doesn’t push us past our limit. He takes you by the hand and leads you ever so gently. He says, “I’ve got you. I know you better than you know yourself. Trust me. Trust my process.”

I’ve seen his faithfulness in the process. He never wastes a moment. Even in the moments you feel like you’re caught in a landslide, he still leads you forward. He never lets go of your hand. The journey will include mountains and valleys, but the valleys are part of the journey. You can’t get to where you’re going without them.

Jesus is the best leader. He’s a trustworthy leader. He beautifully orchestrated, and continues to orchestrate, every step of my journey. He tailored it to me. To my heart. If he had just miraculously taken away my anxiety back in 2015 (and believe me, I prayed for that and wanted that), I would have missed out on a beautiful journey with him. Has it been easy? No. Has it been painless? Definitely not. But has it been worth it? Absolutely. Looking back on his perfect leadership in my life has created a bond of trust that couldn’t have happened any other way. And I wouldn’t change a thing.

Why did I tell you this long story? Because if you’re like me, and you feel like there’s no light at the end of the tunnel, I want to encourage you to keep going. Keep pushing forward. Keep trusting Jesus. Your journey is beautiful and perfect. He knows what he’s doing. He knows your heart. He sees your pain. And he loves you too much to leave you where you are. Don’t settle for anything less than complete and total freedom. It’s already yours. He paid for it. And I’m here to encourage you to keep going. One step at a time.